We Ate Our Lawn

Screw you Big Agriculture! We don’t need those “chemicals” you call “food”! Any American with a lawn is already fed with enough sustenance to make a pint or so of pesto a couple times of year. Pesto that doesn’t taste like “chemicals” that Big Basil and Big Garlic and Big Olive Oil and Big Pine Nuts and Big Parmesan and Big Salt to Taste like to pawn off on the bottom 99% as “food”.  I’m talking about real pesto. Pesto the Muskogee Creek Nation used to make back before Big Basil took over this land to shut down home pesto artisans.

The first week in March we took a road trip back East to Pittsburgh for ten days and had a lovely little trip. I watched my cousin Hayley get married. My mum celebrated her 67th birthday. I played a gig where a man paid me in real money to sing songs for friends and family.


the garden, overrun by wild and carefree henbit and nettle

The garden back in Tulsa had to be neglected. I should have already planted a lot of greens, and started a lot more stuff indoors by this time. But the seedlings would have either had to freeze in the outdoors or dry up inside while we were gone, and that’s a waste of a lot of seeds, so I held off on seeding too much stuff. I had already seeded kale, and tomatoes and peppers we got for free from the greenhouse we buy our supplies at (last year’s seeds).

When we took our trip, I put the seed flats outside and hoped for warm nights. While we got enough rain, we did have a few nights in the mid 30s while we were gone, which is bad news especially for the summer plants.

The red feather kale, that didn’t take off running to begin with, was depleted by about half, and the tomatoes and peppers were burnt by the cold, but they are still going pretty strong and I might get some late plants out of them.  The sweet red onions we put in the ground in mid February were holding strong. The over-wintered, leaf-mulched garlic was looking awesome.


weeds you can eat

And the most abundant crops were wild: henbit and dead nettle. These plants are known as “weeds” to squares who don’t eat their lawn because they are brainwashed by the government and stuff to eat normal food. Anyway beautiful layered green leaves with purple flowers all over the yard. The flowers have a mildly spicy taste but the rest just tastes like your lawn smells on a pleasant spring morning.

These plants are both in the mint family, don’t have any poisonous plants that look similar, and I decided to eat them after reading two random website articles written by dudes with absolutely no scientific credentials. For all I know we both have leprosy now.

I went around grabbing clumps. Then I washed the weeds. I put the henbit in a salad. It tasted like salad with lawn. For dinner, I made some colcannon out of it. It tasted like mashed potatoes with lawn.

The dead nettle I made pesto out of, using this recipe. It tastes like pesto, but only instead of basil you use early spring lawn.


Lawn Colcannon. An Irish tradition especially in times of famine.


Dead nettle ready to be made into lawn pesto.

I put the lawn pesto on a bagel (I sell home baked bagels out of my house. I don’t put lawn pesto in them or anything lawn related. email me sloover76@gmail.com if you want a dozen for $10 and you’re in the tulsa area). I brought the lawn pesto out just in case Redhead wanted some with her pasta and meat sauce I made for dinner. One night I brought out pieces of bread with lawn pesto and chicken salad. I noticed that the piece of bread Redhead was holding had lawn pesto falling off of it. And I further noticed that it was falling off because Redhead was scraping it off with a butter knife intentionally.  She then informed me that she had about enough lawn pesto for one lifetime.

Hey, if I kept one person for one meal away from the “chemicals” of Big Pesto, I’ve done my job.


lawn pesto on a bagel by Sloover

In other garden news, I seeded Spinach, tatsoi, broccoli raab, kale, mustards, and also Chinese cabbage on St. Patrick’s Day, because St. Patrick was really Chinese. They also call it “napa cabbage” because saying the word “Chinese” is racist.

And I’m teaching my 2.5 year old dog Skrumpy to chase birds, squirrels, rabbits, rodents, and children, and other beasts that may destroy the garden.

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