Guest Column: “I’ll Tell Ya Why That Baby Fell in the Gorilla Pit!”

Maddy Judgeton, Midwestern Mommyblogger

Maddy Judgeton, Midwestern Mommyblogger

by Guest Columnist Maddy Judgeton, Midwestern Mommyblogger

People always ask me, “Maddy,” they ask, “why are your three kids, Haiden, Jaiden, and Aiden so well behaved?”

“I have three reasons,” I reply. “Jesus, old fashioned common horse sense, and the uncanny ability to nitpick and judge other parents.”

There’s a run on judgy pants at Wal Mart this week (just like there’s a run on bras in the men’s department at Target lately, if ya know what I mean 😉, after a “mom” let her son go swingin’ around like a little monkey (if ya know what I mean;) and fall into the gorilla pit. She was probably yappin’ on her smartphone the government gave her trying to get an increase on her welfare check so she could buy more of those gold Mr. T chains they like.

Here are a few reasons I’m 100% positive why this happened. If you don’t agree with me, you’re a lazy liberal and you need to DO THE RESEARCH!

1. She didn’t breastfeed him

I tell ya. A breastfed child is a well behaved child. Infant formula is just a plot by Big Pharma to poison our children and turn them all into gay liberals. In fact if you look closely at the video you can see the little boy try to look at the gorilla’s penis.

Children who spend many years suckling are calmer, get better grades in school, have a 0% chance of getting cancer, and listen every time you tell them something.

Little Aiden completed his first year of first grade, and while he did get Cs and Ds, it was not because of nutrition, it was because the school hired a lesbian to teach first grade.

Anyway he is still breastfeeding. Other than little temper tantrums every time mommy has to be in the other room, he is very well behaved. Aiden would NEVER jump into a gorilla pit.

2. Gluten

I tell ya. The food they sell at those zoos is all loaded with gluten. Gluten is another liberal plot to decrease testosterone levels in young boys. If you DO THE RESEARCH, you’ll see that when a young boy has a slice of pizza, his body will temporarily produce more testosterone to fight off the gluten. This is the body’s way of keeping him in his natural state so he doesn’t turn into a transgender. Over time though, with enough gluten, the testosterone wears off and he starts getting interested in soccer and poetry.

My sister in law commented on Facebook that she read an article that said the “mom” and her children were seen eating pizza at a concession stand right near the gorilla pit. Well, there ya go, that explains it!

3. She’s not a stay-at-home Mom, like me and all normal moms

I tell ya. Hubby and I are far from rich. We make sacrifices so I can stay home with Jaiden, Haiden, and Aiden. We only have a 40″ flatscreen instead of a 50″. Our Verizon bundle is the $79.99 and not the $89.99 one. I can only drive a 4 door sedan and not a big cozy Hummer like Hubby. I can’t tip the maid like Donna and Bob at the end of the cul de sac can, because they don’t have kids (weirdos). Hubby only makes $325,000 a year. I do get on his back to work harder, but you know men. They’ll leave you with picking up the kids, waiting around for the maid, and mommyblogging all to yourself. And then they have the nerve to expect sex! But that’s a whole nother article.

It’s clear that staying at home is better because it’s more traditional. And the “moms” who refuse to do this are just lazy and evil people who probably never heard of Jesus.

Which brings me to…

4. Where’s the father?

I tell ya. Looks like this “mom” has way too many kids to deal with. I bet she  had a fun night a few times with a “man” who just ran off on her. I guess those people are happy doing that. The child probably jumped in the gorilla pit to look for a father figure (if ya know what I mean ;).

Studies show that one man and one woman is the only acceptable household ever. If any other household exists, all the kids being raised there will turn into gay transgender drug addict atheists.  DO THE RESEARCH!

Well, I just stated my opinion. I’m not judging! Jesus will judge you. Sorry if it wasn’t “PC”. And just a tip from an avid mommyblogger: don’t let your kid fall into a gorilla pit. It was clearly intentional on the part of that so called “mom”.

What’s this world coming to?

 

(Disclaimer: the views expressed in this column in no way reflect the views of Sloover or the Sloover.com staff, or any of the sponsors wordpress forces on this page. block them with adblock)

 

 

 

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