by Maddy Judgeton
I tell ya. Back in the 90s (remember acid wash jeans? We were NUTS!), I used to be a mega-dittohead for Rush Limbaugh. I mean, this was before Sean Hannity was even famous, with his handsome eyebrows. Rush used to talk about feminists, and how they were nothin’ but a buncha man-hating feminazis. All they would do is go around hating men, not shave their armpits, judging, being angry, and saying how all sex is rape, and never marrying a hubby.
And I thought, wow! That is a group I’d like to join!
Except for the hubby part. At the time I was in college, majoring in sluttin’ around husband-shopping.
I thought, maybe I’ll find out what this feminism is, then I’ll teach them a thing or two about marriage. What woman wouldn’t want to lure a husband in with sex, get a few kids out of him, then lock his ass out of the silk igloo forever? Talk about women’s empowerment! How can you be liberated if you don’t have a desperate whimpering man at your beck and call? Men are all perverts who can be controlled by their wing wangs. I should write a feminist book!
Well, despite what Rush said, I didn’t find any feminism in the library that said all sex was rape. There were no books about how comedians should lose their careers for telling a joke about how women use more toilet paper than men. Nor were there any books about how voting against a woman in an election was sexist. All I found was boring 700 page philosophy books by dead French ladies with names I can’t pronounce. YAWN!
Back in the 90s, a semi-literate rich white girl couldn’t move to New York City straight out of an elite college, start a blog, hire a marketing agency and become famous by being her fabulous, arrogant, upper-middle class self-unaware self. Women who didn’t have any writing skills used to be discriminated against in the publishing world.. not any more! Now wealthy white women have LEANED IN and broken that glass ceiling, making feminism accessible to people who read celebrity gossip. Who needs a 700 page philosophy book to put you to sleep when you have the easily digestible comedy stylings of Lindy West? No more complex philosophical inquiries into the liberation of women, or questioning the institution of marriage (weird!). Feminism has been reclaimed by the upper class and turned from a liberation philosophy (sketchy!) into an authoritarian truncheon for language policing, class warfare on the poor, and a moral ideology for bourgeois simpletons like me! Sweet!
Here’s why I am now a Feminist:
1. Rich White Lady Feminism is picking up where Puritanical Christianity left off
Why did patriarchal, puritanical Christianity have a monopoly on judging, condemning and burning at the stake? Ha! To think Christian men didn’t let WOMEN burn people at the stake back in the 1600s!
Feminism used to be complex, but now we’ve broken the glass ceiling by reclaiming the patriarchal, Puritanical Christian ideology of “Us Good, Them Evil” for ourselves. We have a set of rules, and if you deviate from those rules slightly, you are pure evil. Those on the side of good take the blue pill, and all the evil others take the red pill. Instead of burning the evil at the stake, we prefer to ruin their careers! We don’t care if you made a scientific breakthrough in rocket science – if you like pussy you must be stopped! Pervert!
A McCarthyist witch hunt with a woman’s touch! (McCATHYist?)
Any comedian who tells a joke involving women = sexist and should lose his job #notfunny
Any man who disagrees with any woman = misogynist #whatwesaygoes #everybodylovesraymondwife
A man I flirted with who turned me down because he’s married = rapist #grossmenaregross #eww
My eldest son, 12 year old Hayden said “But don’t you think free public college is a long term investment in the future of our country, and Medicare-for-all will actually save the American people money? It seems Hillary and the Democratic party refuse to come out in favor of these things because of their corporate donors and ties to Wall Street.” . Obviously he’s a sexist pig bro who is just making up jibber-jabber because he’s threatened by Hillary. I tell ya. How poor do you have to be that education and healthcare are things to worry about? Hayden is spending too much time on socialist bros when he should spend more time navel gazing about why his video games are sexist because a lady who has a lady’s body is depicted or something. Tropes.
I also told him if he even thinks about women while he fiddles with his ding dong he is no better than a rapist, because they didn’t consent to him thinking about them. Then I sent him to bed and meditated on the sound of his soft weeping. I’m so glad I’m helping the world be a better place.
2. Rich White Lady Feminism now promotes trickle down economics, class warfare, and competition among the citizenry
If you favored anyone but Hillary Clinton in the last election, wealthy white feminists like Her made it abundantly clear that you’re nothing but a misogynist pig. A deplorable “bro” who probably likes violent working class sports like football and casual rape.
Wealthy, young, white feminists are facing hardships in America today, as they’ve been in the process of braving the rudeness of the lower classes while heroically gentrifying formerly working class neighborhoods. Think of what it must be like for a young woman, living in a building her father purchased, in an apartment that used to house a low income family who lived in the neighborhood for generations. The filth! Imagine her taking public transportation, lowering herself to face the cramped conditions of a bus that working class people grew up with, having to sit next to a
black man Super Predator who spreads his legs! Thank god police in New York have been arresting these brutes to protect rich girls like Lena Dunham. These brave girls obviously walk in the proud footsteps of in the American tradition of empowered white girls who went crying to their fathers, bravely accusing black men of catcalling and rape, sparking lynchings and race riots. Talk about empowered! Forget the little brown girl who was shot in the face on a bus by the Taliban for the sin of going to school, our elite academy graduates have sketchy ghettos to whiten and their trust funds to protect from “manspreading”!
Like puritanical Christianity, who cares whether capitalism is a system of oppression set up by patriarchs? Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg is a modern feminist hero for rich white ladies. Like Emma Goldman stood up for working class oppressed women in the early 20th century, Sheryl Sandberg fights for women who don’t want to change the patriarchal system of endless war and oligarchy at all (because it benefits them tremendously), but instead be in charge of that system. EVERY GIRL IN THE WORLD can be a COO of a multibillion dollar company if they try hard enough and LEAN IN! If not have fun scraping by as a barista!
Like those who used the term “Bernie Bros”, Sandberg subscribes to the philosophy that no matter how horrible our poverty-manufacturing capitalist system is, if a woman is in favor of it and you’re not, that makes you a misogynist. Who cares if Hillary Clinton was partially responsible for brutal conditions in the middle east stretching from Iraq in 2003 to Libya in 2011? She has a vagina, and if you don’t like agree with her violent capitalist philosophy, you should probably be arrested for rape.
I admire Sandberg’s obnoxiousness and arrogance! Yes, we should ban the word BOSSY. That does stuff! If I had a perma-wince like Sheryl Sandberg I bet I could goad hubby into backhanding me into a lifetime of alimony.
Coke vs. Pepsi? That’s so 80s. Who needs that when you have red pill vs. blue pill? Feminism/Vanity Liberalism along with the Mens Rights Activists/Alt-Right have been tremendously successful over the past few years in creating a nothing, toxic debate that discourages cooperation and fosters zero-sum competitions. How can you cooperate with anyone who disagrees with you in any way? You can’t. Keep clawing your way up the pyramid instead of organizing with other people to topple it and build a more stable structure. People who don’t think exactly like you do are triggering. You should follow your fears, kids. Never be truly brave.
“If I had a perma-wince like Sheryl Sandberg I bet I could goad Hubby into backhanding me into a lifetime of alimony.”
And like our manufactured non-culture, feminism is now all about branding! I need to get into the selfie game like any good internet feminist. No, the fact that we now have a living, breathing, narcissistic “brand” as President of the United States is not the problem. The problem is the brand has a penis!
Maddy Judgeton needs a brand. So does Hubby, and also Hayden, Jayden and Aiden. Everybody should be a self-contained corporation that competes with every other corporation. Corporations are people, and people are corporations! I think Maddy Judgeton, Inc will start a Youtube channel where I rant against the objectification of female bodies while my tits are hanging out! I choose my choice! WASP hypocrisy is not dead, and it’s gone further and taken all the liberation out of feminism!
And if you don’t like it, I’m not even gonna argue with you. I’ll just block you, and put you on a block list, and hold my ears and go LALALALALA. Because that’s what strong, grown-up, brave women do.
3. Intellectual feminists who aren’t promoting the ideology of rich white ladies still exist, but they’re totes boring so don’t pay attention to them
For the love of God the Father and the survival of puritanical WASPyness, please don’t read any of these women. They are trying to make feminism useful for the working class.
Don’t read Amber A’Lee Frost:
The “battles” you see making headlines in our claustrophobic community have become microscopically petty: Who speaks at what campus? Who made what problematic joke? Which left magazine has a bad take and who will “take responsibility”? None of these squabbles are politics; none of them build power…We’re forever resting on the laurels of feel-good symbolic outcry rather than the material victories that make our day-to-day lives better. It suits the ruling class just fine.
Ruling class? Oh boy. I tell ya these kids today.
Don’t read Yasmin Nair:
The feminism [Rebecca] Traister upholds, as Hillary Clinton upheld, is what we might call a “Big Tent Feminism,” the sort that makes allowances for every possible variation of “feminism” under the logic that If Women Want It, It Must Be Feminist. No matter how poisonous the effects may be (such as Hillary Clinton’s vote to authorize a brutal war that killed many thousands of innocent women), an empowered woman’s act is always a feminist act.
Now what the heck is wrong with that? I tell ya.
And for God’s sake and the sake of all who want to uphold oligarchy so they can continue to buy a $10 head of lettuce at Whole Foods while migrant farm workers are treated like 21st century slaves, please do not, ever, read Naomi Klein:
While Clinton is great at warring with Republicans, taking on powerful corporations goes against her entire worldview, against everything she’s built, and everything she stands for. The real issue, in other words, isn’t Clinton’s corporate cash, it’s her deeply pro-corporate ideology: one that makes taking money from lobbyists and accepting exorbitant speech fees from banks seem so natural that the candidate is openly struggling to see why any of this has blown up at all.
Again, I tell ya! That’s free advertisement for Hillary as far as I’m concerned. A “deeply pro-corporate ideology” is exactly why I voted for her! To think Rush Limbaugh used to call Hillary Clinton a leftist radical. Sorry Rush, #ImWithHer