Introduction nobody’s going to read where I prattle on like I’m the Socrates of clickbait.
1. Scott Walker’s face is kickable
I just want to kick that motherfucker in the face! Don’t you? He even said in his closing statement: “I’m a guy with a wife, and two kids, and a Harley. And a kickable face.”
2. Fox News Aryan host Megyn Kelly has a permanent look on her face like she just got done doing some evil shit in a soap opera.
She seems like a proud cunt. It’s kinda hot, like she needs Daddy to spank her.
3. The other Fox News Nazi Host guy, not Mike Wallace’s son, looks like Dick Tracy and Dennis the Menace had a kid.
This freak probably spends his afternoons in the park sniffing the sliding board. Why do so many Republicans cut their hair like Nazis? I bet he likes plain pizza. Asshole.
4. Kasich’s dad was a mailman.
Kasich should have just said, “I’m a rich guy trying to relate to regular people with a mundane detail about my life.” Imagine someone you know repeatedly and proudly telling you what their father did for a living. You’d kick him in the face if he was Scott Walker. Kasich I would gently walk away from and remember not to invite him to parties.
5. Chris Christie is the kind of guy who runs a red light, smashes into your car, walks out with his arms up going “Aww! Awww! What duh fuck? Awww!” and blames you.
In addition, Jersey meatballs sound dumber than the dumbest redneck in Mississippi.
6. Santorum said “I am a child of Reagan.”
Thanks to Dan Savage, we know this means President Ronald Reagan was having anal sex performed on him and gave birth to Rick Santorum out of his ass. I bet John Wayne was the top.
7. Lindsey Graham was the kid on the baseball team you threw underhand to.
If he’s not going to come out of the closet, that means I get to point out how gay he is.
8. Rand Paul is Evil Woody Guthrie
9. Anybody who refers to the United States as “The Homeland” is a fascist pig and should be shat out of the bowels of history.
Read Italian writer Umberto Eco’s great piece from 1995 on what he called “Ur-Fascism”. Scroll to page 5 for a list of 14 characteristics of Ur-Fascists, including traditionalism, fear of difference, appeal to a disgruntled middle class, and anti-intellectualism:”In modern culture the scientific community praises disagreement as a way to improve knowledge. For Ur-Fascism, disagreement is treason.”
Here’s another quote. “What we have to fight for is the freedom and independence of the fatherland, so that our people may be enabled to fulfill the mission assigned to it by the creator” – Adolf Hitler
Yep, Republicans say the exact things Hitler said. I don’t care if Hitler’s always brought up in political arguments. If you don’t want me to bring up Nazis, stop quoting them. And stop having their haircuts and kickable faces.
10. Donald Trump said nothing of substance, and won
Debate is intellectual. These TV shows where all the anti-intellectual candidates stand on a stage aren’t debates, they’re pissing contests. Trump pissed the furthest.